Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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