The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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