I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
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