he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
