I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i just had sex bonerless
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
