I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My cat gives me a boner
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
