He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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