when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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