I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
birth control should be required to get into college
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
