So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
