p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
