Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
