And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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