i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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