i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
how does that bad decision feel?
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