I just pynch a tree in the face
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
