I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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