i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
