im six kinds of drunk right now
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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