We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
