I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
