my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
