ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
bring money and cleavage
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
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And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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