I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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