i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
