Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
