anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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