two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
