I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
