I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
