Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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