fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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