Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
