Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
