just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
