I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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