I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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