My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Randomize
