i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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