Umm I'm too high to move.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
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