There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
