paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
