I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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