Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
