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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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