I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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