so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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