I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
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today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
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I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize