grandma shit on top of the toilet
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
