I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
