how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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