he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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