this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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