gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
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Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
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The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
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